kiCked oFF At
April 08, 2013
Whenever break up occurs, they easily tell you to 'Move on' ... It is always the same old advise. Yea.. For me, it is easy to say. but to actually do it, it is really hard. Look at myself, it has already been 2 years, im still stuck in my past. All these years, I have been trying to move on. Look at what I got, it is always the same old feeling which I have to go through when I really wanna move on from the past, But it is those memories just keep coming back to me everytime I see his name or hear his name being mentioned especially with the pain I have felt. Maybe through my pictures, you see how happy am I that I have move on. but the truth is deep down in my heart, Im not okay. Im still in pain, trapped with the mess I created. Everyone though Im strong, But Im not. The greatest weakness in myself is held on to the past that im struggling with. I just dont know why I couldnt talk to anyone about this, I really wish I have that someone for me to pour out all this. but i dont have. I always get myself busy with everything however at the end of the day, when I get back to the room, that feeling of loneliness without you strikes me. It is so hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go, it is hard to force that smile whenever people are around me because you are all i had in my mind. I can honestly say you have always been on my mind since the day I left you walked away. Sometimes, I would look at our pictures, then all these memories comes alive. All these memories I started to recall one by one till I cry because,
I miss all the memories,
I miss how you would drive all the way to my house for movies, dinner and dates.
I miss how you would get anything I want.
I miss how you would make fun of me,
I miss how I would get mad at you for blocking my way.
I miss all the little surprise you have me.
I miss our Australia trip.
I miss how you would willing to spend on my clothes.
I miss how you would get mad coz I would keep demand more photos of us.
I miss how you like to act cute infront of me.
I really miss everything about us.
I have so much to say for this 2 years but i never had the courage to face it. im just stupid let you walk away without any real explanation. Im just a fool. until now i still keeps all the stuff you gave. that picture frame you made for us is still being placed right beside my bed. The puppy doll you gave me for my birthday , I still hug it whenever I sleep. I really wish how great it to be turn back time when I was 17 and we would start this all over again. I miss you!! I know Im wasting my time all these years but I dont care because now i know what i want even though i know im a little bit late but I will still fight for it.
kiCked oFF At
April 06, 2013
24th March, it was suppose to be a special day of mine. my birthday... But I have no longer feel the excitement of my birthday anymore because it keeps bringing back old memories on how my birthday was celebrated.. I still remember the little surprise you gave me, I still remember you did the short video and managed to hack into my account and post it on my blog.. it was the sweetest thing ever. yet until now i didnt know how do u managed to get into my account. Guess I will never have the chance to find it out. Today I just sat down and look back the video. I really cant lie to myself anymore, I cant lie about my feelings. it is just hurting me deeply each day. 2 years has passed, those memories still hard for me to be delete away. I know everything had gone, but all I had now is just our memories, memories which I wanna keep it for the rest of my life.
You were the reason why I no longer stuck in my past, You were the reason why I could it all about my first love. yes you did it. Now i realized that whoever comes into my life, no one could ever made me feel the way like how you made me felt, none of them able to replace you and make me forget you.
To be honest, I kinda hate the life Im going through now, even though everything is going smoothly for me, I got an offer to work in China, given an opportunity to travel and did well in my studies , But the feeling of loneliness is always there, because you were no longer here to see me going through all this. All the messes that I have made brought me to this. Maybe I deserve it but it is hard to me to move on knowing that I have not make a clear end about us.When you were here, I was knew all along what will my future be, what I want to do about it. But now you are gone, gone for a long time.. starting to wondering what will be future be and doubt that I could go through it without you. You know, sometimes coming back to Melaka is what I hate the most because it always bring back those memories we had here, all those memories haunts me whenever Im back here. Which is why I always look for the opportunity to get out from here as far as I can. The only thing what keeps me going is my silliness thinking you still love me, me putting false hope in order to me to feel better. I know I have been lying to myself. But this is the only way I could go on with my life. Ever since we go on with out separates ways, I realized everything changed, our circle of friends changed, People who were used to be there not there anymore. Reflecting what we have gone through, all the memories, it made me wanna go back to that moment and start it all over again because I really miss those moment. You, the people around me, the fun we and friends used to have.
To those people out from who might be struggling in their relationship. My advise to you is always appreciate the one by your side. You will never know how important is he/she until you have really lost them. If you know he is the one, be there for him. Dont take them for granted. Never go out looking for more. Dont walk out from the relationship just because of the struggles you all going through. Work it out together. Dont end up like me.. the one who walked away ended up being regretted because you do not know where it actually ends. hanging myself there waiting for the clear answers. Love them like how they deserve to be love. Care for them like how they deserve to be care. If I were to give chance to do that all over again, I would do it completely different way. Giving you what you deserve.
Whoever reading this, I dont care how you judge me or what you want to say about me.. Im just expressing how I feel because it is real. I dont wanna talk to people about this because I know how they would judge me, I could only write it out.
Seems like I have been abandoned this blog for 1 year plus. Finally decided to get back to blogging because I came to realise that this is the only corner where I could just spill out all my feelings. Feelings that is so hard for me to share with others. Well, after all im just a human, it is normal to have all sorts of emotional feeling. I hate how easily things can get to me nowadays. I guess it’s just a flaw I acquired due to opening my arms to everyone.
For the past 2 years, my life has changed drastically. With the biggest decision I ever made on 2 years ago, I am finally in my own world all alone. Hurting you was the biggest mistake I ever did which has been coming back to haunt me in these 2 years. It was the hardest 2 years of my life that I had to go through knowing the fact that I might one day regret the path I choose. To be honest, until today, Im still hoping all this was just a nightmare that one day when I wake up, knowing that it was all just a dream so at least there is a chance to me to change everything. Even though 2 years has past, the memories are always there haunting me everywhere I go till the extend that Im always afraid to leave my home or just wanting to be somewhere far away from here. Sometimes, I came to the point that I no longer have to strength to make any decision or changes because I know all this decisions reflects on what will happen in my future. Whenever the memories slowly come back to me, I always start to think, If only I have the courage to make you to stay.. If only I never left you aside. If only I have never let you down If only there is anything i could do to change things..Im sorry for not being able to do all this. All this 'if only' was too late for me to think of it but at least I learnt my lesson. I guess I learnt to appreciate people now. Never to take them for granted.
Letting go something that doesn’t belong to me at all is definitely not the easiest thing to do, but at least it will the best way out. maybe holding it too hard, will only make myself feel worst in the end. to pretend i don’t care, to pretend i don’t wanna know a single thing, is really so tired. rather than pretending, i want to make it real. i want to have a different way to live from now on. a way which i will feel happier, lighter.
kiCked oFF At
September 01, 2012
According to the sources , Rob , the only son in the Kardashians family , was spotted in the club with Rihanna . Both of them seems to be really intimate by whispering to each other till the extend that Rihanna was more into Rob Kardashians even though Rihanna's ex Chris Brown was sitting next few table..
So , this might be the new beginning for both of them.. You will never know what will happen..
kiCked oFF At
August 21, 2012
Just realized I totally had neglected my blog ever since my last post on last year December. Maybe I'm so caught up with the new life I'm engaging now till I'm no longer have interest in blogging. Plus, everything in blogspot has changed made me even lazier to learn how to use it. Well, back to my life.. everything has changed.. the group of people that I mixed with is different now.. And I got back into my study life. whatever it is, I wouldn't have expect much from the new semester that I have begin after what had happen in the past. the scar is still there because the past is real. but i have got through it.. let bygones be bygones *winks* so from today onwards im going to start blogging more again. i just need some place to express my feelings
Jolene. Am twentytwo. Talks a lot. Defensive. Not shy. A very emotional girl. Shopaholic. Travelling. Fashion. Cute boys with ascent . Heels. Clothes. Makeups. Chocolates. Cheesecake. Desserts. Burberry. Forever21. Channel. Zara. Disney. Adele and Christina Perri. Am a Gleek. Obsessed with Cameron Mitchell. Damian Mcgintey from TheGleeProject. Fan of Gossip Girl, Bachelor Pad, Desperate Housewife, Vampire Diaries. Anti dramas. Hate liars and fakers. Having a complicated live. Been through many obstacles But all this complicated life of mine doesn't stop me from making myself a better person because all this make me grow stronger. Life is about trusting your feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, learning from the past, and realizing people change. It's time to wake up from dream and face the reality. In here, I post what I feel and what I feel was real.